State of Hmmm

hmmm

Yeah, that's where I am right now…in a state of hmmm.

If you've read between the lines - you'd have too because I haven't even emailed those in my private circle to share my latest 2013 eye popper of horror - but if you read between the lines, I've had another setback on my 'let's fix this year', 'let's stay perky' agenda.

Yesterday another matter that I thought was pretty much resolved and off my stress list blew back with a vengeance. It was as it said to me, that I was ‘basically’ incapable of doing something that I’d accomplished many times… successfully – by a measure of my peers.

Humbling…

Did it hurt? omg… to the core. Was it a setback? No… it felt more like a rerun… a rerun from a bad season of ‘the whipping boy’. I think the person with the whip was whipping many of us – those others were not in attendance however. I believe this person THOUGHT what she was saying was fair, just, good and useful… but all I could hear was a crescendo of words and sounds all jumbled and confused and, in the end… nonsensical and culminating into a “Catch 22” of epic gauge.

Nope…

You can’t please some people. You can’t please people bent on control. Although you may concede, the timing on that must be just right to where they don’t realize you’ve done it… or they just raise the torturous glass to refresh and quench their maniacal thirst for power.  

As a younger woman I would try to fight it. But nope, now I realize that there are two types of people: those that seek to control and those who are controlled. Those who believe they are not controlled are fooling themselves…

How many times did those farmers in Ojai and other places where people who ‘refused to be controlled by the man’, protest the spraying of their crops only to be invaded during the night while they slept by silent planes sent by the government to pollute their produce with pesticides… YET… giving them the go ahead to still call them ORGANIC.

So…

So, anyway… I survived. I found a way to hurt the least… and still leave room for ‘good’ to take place. I think it’s called a sacrifice. Who would know when those who sacrifice are often those offered up in like manner.

Today I apply salve to my wounds. Fortunately they are deep and can be well hidden if I’m only strong enough to bear up to the new and fresh pain.

Today I pull out my list of things I wanted to do one day and I see if there is anything on there that I can do to distract me from the reality that I have been left to live in…

Today I made my coffee, ate my peanut butter cookie (to Hades with carbs and health plans and gyms and … and… self imposed restrictions).  Today I numb the ache by yelling out to the emptiness that is my universe “I am in control of me! You’re not the boss of me.”  The silence is deafening, the silence sickening… the reality… hitting as hard as a hammer. I am alone here.

Monday will come and I will not cry. I will do my job and pack bags, and suitcases, I will keep the order. I will give instructions (that I’m sure will not be followed), I will try hard not to make promises I’m not in a position to keep…

As you see…

I have been controlled…

Whether I believe the words I must act accordingly … my margin for originality was small. Basically, I was left with only the room to NOD MY HEAD… SHUT UP… and JUST DO IT.

As I sip my coffee, I ponder what I’ll do next… terrified at what ‘next’ could be …

...hmmm

The Human Experience: Faith

Building one's faith is personal, but maintaining one's faith can take a village. 
Visualize this... we are born and growing (discovered faith and building it) in the village we are fed, and cared for and loved - all those things that make living easy. We then step out of the village and BLAM the lion is there, the bandits, the bad guys... yes we have faith and we know we don't want to be one of those bad guys and we so we run from them and run right smack dad into the lion... guns, bow and arrows... no we don't have them... we cry out to the more experienced .... no... more likely, they are, PREPARED villagers... bring me a gun, a bow, and arrow... they come and kill the lion. We are safe again... learning process. Never leave the village alone again... or at least grid up.

As we get older we can become sick - perhaps infected by a small bite we incurred from the lion... and as we heal we slowly we start preparing for another journey we must make outside of the village - why we gotta go? because as we got older, we became an 'older' one, and we now have responsibilities that match that title... going out of the village to take care of business...

It is expected of us to know how to move around the bad guys, and bandits and we are expected to be girded up at all times and or have a buddy with us... but we've been sick and contagious and many have moved away from us so as not to catch what we have... so for this time of healing, we have been basically alone... or so we have felt...

Maybe we've just been impatient - maybe we haven't looked long and hard enough for the ones in the village who have learned to deal with the infectious ones without becoming sick themselves... maybe we just didn't TRY to heal fast enough... Maybe we are humble and we SHOO people away for fear of infecting them... they try but we resist....

who knows... bottom line is this... we are now alone so we found ourselves outside the village.... ill prepared.

The bandits come, they walk with us for a while... although we are a little putt off, we continue to walk with them... our heads are down and we clutch our gun, but... they don't seem so vicious when in fact they simply pick our pockets... why beat us up... where is the honor in that (honor exist between thieves "So you beat up and robbed a sick man... big deal" their friends would say), so they just gently pick our pockets and so we are thinking hmmm... not so bad.

Then we come across the assorted other bad guys who continue to take our dignity in such a nice way - They make love to us, laugh with us, feed us, seemingly are THERE for us... shoot...we don't even realize that we are down to only the clothes on our backs - and NOTHING MORE ... our guns have been emptied along with our quiver... not to mention self respect and dignity.... we have no idea of this until we come to the lion!

We call out...

Oddly enough, our voices are not loud enough to reach the villagers who have, for the most part gone on without us.

We are heard however by the bandits and bad guys who now own all our essentials...
They quickly come to our aide...
They rescue us...
hmmm
Confused ...
Yeah... me to.

However, I'm attempting to solve the riddle as we speak....

in the background...
Mama is on the train now, coming from the village to me....
She is COVERED by a literal and symbolic STEEL Armour... her quiver is full and her gun is loaded... WATCH OUT!!!