State of Hmmm

hmmm

Yeah, that's where I am right now…in a state of hmmm.

If you've read between the lines - you'd have too because I haven't even emailed those in my private circle to share my latest 2013 eye popper of horror - but if you read between the lines, I've had another setback on my 'let's fix this year', 'let's stay perky' agenda.

Yesterday another matter that I thought was pretty much resolved and off my stress list blew back with a vengeance. It was as it said to me, that I was ‘basically’ incapable of doing something that I’d accomplished many times… successfully – by a measure of my peers.

Humbling…

Did it hurt? omg… to the core. Was it a setback? No… it felt more like a rerun… a rerun from a bad season of ‘the whipping boy’. I think the person with the whip was whipping many of us – those others were not in attendance however. I believe this person THOUGHT what she was saying was fair, just, good and useful… but all I could hear was a crescendo of words and sounds all jumbled and confused and, in the end… nonsensical and culminating into a “Catch 22” of epic gauge.

Nope…

You can’t please some people. You can’t please people bent on control. Although you may concede, the timing on that must be just right to where they don’t realize you’ve done it… or they just raise the torturous glass to refresh and quench their maniacal thirst for power.  

As a younger woman I would try to fight it. But nope, now I realize that there are two types of people: those that seek to control and those who are controlled. Those who believe they are not controlled are fooling themselves…

How many times did those farmers in Ojai and other places where people who ‘refused to be controlled by the man’, protest the spraying of their crops only to be invaded during the night while they slept by silent planes sent by the government to pollute their produce with pesticides… YET… giving them the go ahead to still call them ORGANIC.

So…

So, anyway… I survived. I found a way to hurt the least… and still leave room for ‘good’ to take place. I think it’s called a sacrifice. Who would know when those who sacrifice are often those offered up in like manner.

Today I apply salve to my wounds. Fortunately they are deep and can be well hidden if I’m only strong enough to bear up to the new and fresh pain.

Today I pull out my list of things I wanted to do one day and I see if there is anything on there that I can do to distract me from the reality that I have been left to live in…

Today I made my coffee, ate my peanut butter cookie (to Hades with carbs and health plans and gyms and … and… self imposed restrictions).  Today I numb the ache by yelling out to the emptiness that is my universe “I am in control of me! You’re not the boss of me.”  The silence is deafening, the silence sickening… the reality… hitting as hard as a hammer. I am alone here.

Monday will come and I will not cry. I will do my job and pack bags, and suitcases, I will keep the order. I will give instructions (that I’m sure will not be followed), I will try hard not to make promises I’m not in a position to keep…

As you see…

I have been controlled…

Whether I believe the words I must act accordingly … my margin for originality was small. Basically, I was left with only the room to NOD MY HEAD… SHUT UP… and JUST DO IT.

As I sip my coffee, I ponder what I’ll do next… terrified at what ‘next’ could be …

...hmmm